A sudden chain of events has happened within this year. Have lost a lot, but gained a lot. Life was meant to be lived and not to be played with. I didn’t take life seriously and the motion of bad luck has ticked once again. I haven’t blogged for ages, and this is the time I felt that I can exceed my expectations to amuse myself with what I write. There are a lot of times that I want to write, but when I am about to strike my keyboard with the swirl of thoughts that has been playing on my mind, it just fades, evanescent. The weather has a lot to do with the inspiration to write. It is as if the cool breeze has been my muse. The moonlit clouds, the silhouette of the trees gently swaying with the wind. The –ber months is near. I love the dry cold wind that’s caressing my face.
I haven’t failed to disappoint myself this quarter. Why can’t I have the things I want? I feel so left behind, so alone, so stupid and so annoying. I keep telling myself that I’ll muster my strength to talk to you, but when you’re there, all I can do is to stay silent and pretend that I don’t care, even if I do. My silence is my proof. I am caught red-handed. I am guilty, and it’s obvious that it’s written in my face. All I can do is stare and talk to you indirectly. But then again, I’ll take my chances; No damage on your side. It’s just when you get to read this, I’ll have to suffer the embarrassment. It’s just I feel ignored (pampam ako!). I have conditioned myself that I have no chances at all.
I bet you won’t get to read this. I wish you could.
You know who you are.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Remains
As I lay my head on my bedroom floor
Flashes of dreams collides my sanity
Vivid images of you, I crave for more
Your scent on my skin, feeds my vanity
You stayed as an illusion, you're unreachable
Allured by your voice, I'm imprisoned
I tried to preserve you in my world, I wasn't able
I was deranged, I was demented, I was mislaid.
Fragments of your existence still remains
I still hear you whispering in my ear
My imagination has failed me once again
Keeping me alive, keeping me insane.
Flashes of dreams collides my sanity
Vivid images of you, I crave for more
Your scent on my skin, feeds my vanity
You stayed as an illusion, you're unreachable
Allured by your voice, I'm imprisoned
I tried to preserve you in my world, I wasn't able
I was deranged, I was demented, I was mislaid.
Fragments of your existence still remains
I still hear you whispering in my ear
My imagination has failed me once again
Keeping me alive, keeping me insane.
The remains of what there is left behind. Keeping you alive, but delusional at the same time.
Crude and Obscene
Made it and posted in in deviantart. Click here to see my account
After ages of my writer's block, here's a poem that goes out for my soul-mate. I like how evil we can be, and yet understand each other. Like I said, you're the male version of me, and I'm the female version of you. Too bad you're on the other side of the world. For my
How could I not miss you?
Imperfect, unpolished, unwanted
Is how we were when we first met
Almost dying, barely breathing
Liquor drenched lips, burning eyes.
By chance we met each other
reading each other's obscene thoughts
exchanging deranged ideas
exploring everything we could think of
Blood drenched souls, Dark schemes
Killing them in our dreams
The same passion, the same lust
We were once crude, but now we're only obscene.
Is how we were when we first met
Almost dying, barely breathing
Liquor drenched lips, burning eyes.
By chance we met each other
reading each other's obscene thoughts
exchanging deranged ideas
exploring everything we could think of
Blood drenched souls, Dark schemes
Killing them in our dreams
The same passion, the same lust
We were once crude, but now we're only obscene.
After ages of my writer's block, here's a poem that goes out for my soul-mate. I like how evil we can be, and yet understand each other. Like I said, you're the male version of me, and I'm the female version of you. Too bad you're on the other side of the world. For my
How could I not miss you? Thursday, April 23, 2009
Lots and Lots
I can't put my thought into words. A lot has happen. A lot has changed. Might talk bout it next time.
Till then.
Till then.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood Season 2
Finally! After five years of wait, FMA is back! Bigger and better. The success of the manga which was made way back 2003 was aired in series after 6 months. The first season lasted for a year! With 51 episodes. The series stayed in life with the manga in the first half, the other half just went wrong! SPOILER: In the end, Al was transformed back to his original child self with no memories of whatsoever happened between the times he was in the "tin can" form, and Edward was transported to the "Hitler" times. Kinda disappointed when I finished that anime. I never had thought of reading the manga (I don't know why) but I am so so super duper hyped with the new season!
You can download it (with a streaming capturing downloader) at http://www.chia-anime.com I tell you the quality is great if you download it! as in HQ!
As of today (4-11-09), there are 2 episodes out.
Go watch!
Edit: And yeah, twas listening to the opening song.. The voice was familiar.. turns out to be I was right! The opening song is entitled AGAIN and it's by YUI! I bet she has a new album out! And I didn't heard about it!
SO HYPED!!!!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Spontaneous Rants and Blurbs
April 7 marks the spot for my last day of OJT. I'm glad I'm finished.. 130 hours more to go next sem! At least I finished my required time this semester. I have no ideas or thoughts to return to that company, why? Well if you'd travel 2-3 hours on the way to work.. will you? It's very tiring, really! But hey., the company is good, the tasks that I do is really related to my line (unlike other OJTers out there.XD) I'm planning to look for a company that is near my school.
Honestly, in my last day of work, when I left the building, I felt sad. I'd never get to see the people I spent a hundred and thirty hours with. There was a feeling of regret to leave the place. It's like moving on to another chapter of my life. I felt attached to the people I always spend time with. I wonder what it would feel when I leave school.
Moving on, I got my new prescribed lens with a grade of 2.25 (Left) and 2.00 (Right). It's my first time to have lens with different grades (I wish I made it equal). I'm so struggling right now, my head hurts because I'm not used to wearing lens with different grades.. STRUGGLING.
Spent Holy Week at the house, nothing to do really. Been idling, playing billiards (twice) in the neighborhood (like 30 steps away from the house), eating barbecues with high school friends, playing restaurant city, sorority life and vampire wars in facebook, watching movies. B O R I N G. Spent the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th of April in Batangas, with my church family. Photos in Facebook and Multiply.
Twas watching Bridal Wars last night.
What are your opinions in this one I truly believe that fine is not a feeling.
Edit: In my last day of work, I strolled the lanes, paths malls of Eastwood City. Twas lovely at night. Love the lights.
Honestly, in my last day of work, when I left the building, I felt sad. I'd never get to see the people I spent a hundred and thirty hours with. There was a feeling of regret to leave the place. It's like moving on to another chapter of my life. I felt attached to the people I always spend time with. I wonder what it would feel when I leave school.
Moving on, I got my new prescribed lens with a grade of 2.25 (Left) and 2.00 (Right). It's my first time to have lens with different grades (I wish I made it equal). I'm so struggling right now, my head hurts because I'm not used to wearing lens with different grades.. STRUGGLING.
Spent Holy Week at the house, nothing to do really. Been idling, playing billiards (twice) in the neighborhood (like 30 steps away from the house), eating barbecues with high school friends, playing restaurant city, sorority life and vampire wars in facebook, watching movies. B O R I N G. Spent the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th of April in Batangas, with my church family. Photos in Facebook and Multiply.
Twas watching Bridal Wars last night.
How are you feeling? Fine. Fine is not a feeling.
What are your opinions in this one I truly believe that fine is not a feeling.
Edit: In my last day of work, I strolled the lanes, paths malls of Eastwood City. Twas lovely at night. Love the lights.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Curls from the inside out. Sad sick Songs.
Been guilty that I haven't been listening to BLINK182 lately, but right now, I am reliving the moment. I soo miss their songs, I still have my loyalty pledged with them, even if I have my new faves, which definitely strucked my inner vibes like blink. It also soothes. Blink will be back, YES, BACK again this summer of '09. After 17 years of sweet, loud, and punky music, 11 albums and tons of singles and camios! they will definitely come back, with a new album. AND I AM SOOOO HYPED! The band which bonded us, along with Parasol a.k.a. Black heaven and my lifetime friends, together.
Songs of hope and despair. Our soul music.
Songs to grieve, more songs to live for.
P.S. Might be making poems again, there's something overwhelming in my mind right now. Oh how I missed the old days. I might be inspired.
P.P.S. A very very good friend told me this today: "I'm happy for you."
made me confused, oh yeah.
Songs of hope and despair. Our soul music.
Songs to grieve, more songs to live for.
P.S. Might be making poems again, there's something overwhelming in my mind right now. Oh how I missed the old days. I might be inspired.
P.P.S. A very very good friend told me this today: "I'm happy for you."
made me confused, oh yeah.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Take it!
Stupid. Pathetic. Wrong. Dunce. Dumb. Futile. Nincompoop. Idiot. Imbecile. Meaningless. SHIIIIT!
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
RARA, TAKE IT! TAKE IT! TAKE IT! WRONG!
*Stress reliever.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
RARA, TAKE IT! TAKE IT! TAKE IT! WRONG!
*Stress reliever.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
GRAWSH!
People tend to be selfish when it comes to love. What's the point of having someone if there is no love. They live for excitement, expectations, someone to fill their so called emptiness. We are so tied by this sad sick mindset. Sadly, I was one of them. WAS. But there are times that I am relapsing. You can't blame people for their "clinginess". I've almost overcome this mindset, there are just triggers that makes me relapse.
It sickens me, I loathe it, I hate it, this feeling. Save myself from the pain? Gosh, I can't even get away from the pain. It's like I've almost lived for pain. It kills. This, this nauseating feeling, you can't just shrug it off. Gosh! It's so hard to materialize what I'm thinking right now, I just want to release the tension. Hysteria!
This is ridiculous. Love? Feeling? It's all... fleeting.
It sickens me, I loathe it, I hate it, this feeling. Save myself from the pain? Gosh, I can't even get away from the pain. It's like I've almost lived for pain. It kills. This, this nauseating feeling, you can't just shrug it off. Gosh! It's so hard to materialize what I'm thinking right now, I just want to release the tension. Hysteria!
This is ridiculous. Love? Feeling? It's all... fleeting.
Friday, March 13, 2009
What's the Price?
I rather be inspired than being in love. I don't want to dwell in the illusion of being in love again. Being inspired sways me from this thought. No expectations, no frustrations. i can get inspirations from everyone. There's just this one person who exceed the rest. He inspires me the most right now. i don't care if we don't talk a lot.. even if I wanted to! But I'll keep myself inspired.. I won't fall in love with him, I won't.. I won't.. I already did.. but I won't! I can't!
Pfft.
Pfft.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Illusion
I keep saying to myself that it's just an illusion,a figment of my imagination, something that I want to happen, something I've longed for, something I want. I keep saying to myself that it's not for me, I keep saying to myself to stop, I keep telling myself that this is how far it goes, I keep telling myself to shut up, forget about it. I keep telling myself that there's more to life. I keep telling myself that I should not think about it, worry about it or fret about.
I'm worrying about it, I actually do, it's not something that I can shrug off and say that's it nothing. It is, actually, something. A big impact in my life (even if I keep telling myself that it's not) It's something I want so bad, but I won't allow myself to indulge in this emotion.. or rather an illusion. I don't want to experience this pain again, I am avoiding it, but I'm still in pain, ironic isn't it?
All along I thought that I'm strong enough, but I'm wrong.
I'm worrying about it, I actually do, it's not something that I can shrug off and say that's it nothing. It is, actually, something. A big impact in my life (even if I keep telling myself that it's not) It's something I want so bad, but I won't allow myself to indulge in this emotion.. or rather an illusion. I don't want to experience this pain again, I am avoiding it, but I'm still in pain, ironic isn't it?
All along I thought that I'm strong enough, but I'm wrong.
Staying Sane.
When I saw this images flashing right before my eyes:
Anyway, Nihonggo has been frying my brains, but it's fun, and I get to hang out with some of my friends. Ureshii~
I've been changing some habits these past week, I'm glad that I can control those habits. So glad. so glad. My taste has change. :p But dang~ I can't believe I ate all that fat! My obento was oishii~ or maybe I felt it was delicious cause i was having fun eating lunch earlier.. hope we can do it again guys~ (Liempo for lunch).
Let's talk about... HATE. I've been hating the way I write, it's so.. girly! I mean.. it's like writing in a diary. And what annoys me the most is the, "haha, hehe" part. It's so.. unprofessional. hehehe .. . . . .. . SEE! Dangit! But hey.. that's the way life goes. At least I can finally write again. I am now suffering from Writer's Unproductivity. :p Blabbing bout random useless facts, but at least my mind ain't blocked anymore. Somewhat inspired? nah~ don't want to think that way now ei.
hell yeah, that was random. :p
"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." -Barack.Obama.
Some bug report
Immediately, I felt like a dunce, I've never been pressured like this. School life is a hell lot different from the real world. This situation made me frustrated, I swear i won't do any programming stuff (Well, exept Web Programming stuff. ;p) All I want to do after I graduate is to become a web designer/master! Hahaha, I seriously want to take up digital arts, but it's costly. Might as well go abroad and have my further studies, or have my further studies here.. hmm.. I just want a job I can enjoy! and right now .. I ain't enjoying, I really feel like a dunce. GOSH.
Anyway, Nihonggo has been frying my brains, but it's fun, and I get to hang out with some of my friends. Ureshii~
I'm so happy, I'm so happy, I'm so happy and pretty and gay! Hahahha. I feel happy.. really.. I feel special in some ways, but still I don't want to give in. Hekhek, what am I talking about.. I'm just.. overjoyed, or just plain stupid. I don't want to get cocky and all.. but I'm so... falling. Hahaha. Well.. never mind about that.. let's talk about.... change.
I've been changing some habits these past week, I'm glad that I can control those habits. So glad. so glad. My taste has change. :p But dang~ I can't believe I ate all that fat! My obento was oishii~ or maybe I felt it was delicious cause i was having fun eating lunch earlier.. hope we can do it again guys~ (Liempo for lunch).
Let's talk about... HATE. I've been hating the way I write, it's so.. girly! I mean.. it's like writing in a diary. And what annoys me the most is the, "haha, hehe" part. It's so.. unprofessional. hehehe .. . . . .. . SEE! Dangit! But hey.. that's the way life goes. At least I can finally write again. I am now suffering from Writer's Unproductivity. :p Blabbing bout random useless facts, but at least my mind ain't blocked anymore. Somewhat inspired? nah~ don't want to think that way now ei.
hell yeah, that was random. :p
"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." -Barack.Obama.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Day Dreaming.
It's good to hope at times, a.k.a. daydream. :)
I want:
I wish I can do/have/own this things.
I want:
- to pamper myself.
- to watch a movie.
- to eat in a fine-dining restaurant.
- to work out
- spend my time with friends watching dvds, listening to music, playing game consoles, eat snacks, have a chit-chat, laugh out loud.
- to ROFL. xD.
- to confide
- learn French (I am taking Nihonggo at the moment right now and I ain't focusing.)
- to learn to drive
- to have a car
- to go to the beach
- to go scuba diving
- to go sky diving
- to go cliff diving
- to skii
- to ice skate
- to go roller blading
- to take up culinary arts
- to cook for my family
- to treat my relatives in dampa
- to eat seafood
- to go crash shopping
- a new wardrobe
- new shoes
- to travel the world
- to go to broadway
- to have a job
- to work
- to invent/discover something that's not yet invented/discovered
- to do the boogy dance
- to do the thriller dance
- to learn to dance
- to see, touch, smell snow
- to learn the flute
- to have the best job in the world
- to be a critique
- to sing in top of my lungs
- to be a wedding planner
- to be a manager
- to manage
- to be able to express my feelings verbally
- to be succesful
- to have a water bed
- to renovate our kitchen
- a condominium
- a resort
- an island
- to light a brown bag with poo on fire and put in in my neighbor's door and ring their bell. When they open it, they'll see the burning bag and attempt to stomp it. Eventually they'll get poo in the shoes. Just like those in the movies.
- to learn MMA. (Mixed Martial Arts)
- to use a needle as a deadly weapon
- to have an iphone
- to have every apple products. =D
- to renovate, refurnish, refurbate our home.
- to own a plane
- to play basketball again....
- to play tennis again..
- to play table tennis again..
- to be able to play my sports again
- TIME.
- chocolates
- to open/manage a coffee shop
- to have gaming consoles. ..
I wish I can do/have/own this things.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Missing.
I have terrible mood swings, really. I just need someone to make my day. Dang~
So incomplete.. this blog.. useless.
Have I told you I'm inspired? NOT in love, but inspired. I don't want to have high hopes, but am still hoping, and still hurting myself in the process.
This sucks. Sucks to be me~
Hi. :)
So incomplete.. this blog.. useless.
Have I told you I'm inspired? NOT in love, but inspired. I don't want to have high hopes, but am still hoping, and still hurting myself in the process.
This sucks. Sucks to be me~
Hi. :)
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Some Unintelligible Rants
I feel stupid. I've been blabbing bout how I feel lately, makes me feel vulnerable and stuff. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. But it does feel so good.. to confide.. but still.. I feel really stupid .. and desperate.. and annoying.. and stupid... I can't just keep myself.. to myself.. know what I mean?
Moving on.. I'm putting an end to some things I used to do, I think I'm better off without it. And that's a lot of stuff.. I'm actually having a grasp of humanity. I'm trying.. And now I'm willing.. I gotta stay strong. Ship~
I feel so stupid, really. I can't get over it. Ship, ship, ship. What have I done.. grr.. somebody assure me everything's all right.. cause I feel it ain't ..
Moving on.. I'm putting an end to some things I used to do, I think I'm better off without it. And that's a lot of stuff.. I'm actually having a grasp of humanity. I'm trying.. And now I'm willing.. I gotta stay strong. Ship~
I feel so stupid, really. I can't get over it. Ship, ship, ship. What have I done.. grr.. somebody assure me everything's all right.. cause I feel it ain't ..
Friday, February 27, 2009
Blunders and Bludgers of Love Part 2.
If y'all remember my post before: Blunders and Bludgers of Life
A lot has happened in a course of 10 months. And all I can say is, why haven't I thought of the happiness of singlehood? I ahte talking about his love thing, I really do! And that's what I'm talking about lately. I didn't even noticed that it has dominated my life, and that's very shitty!
So then, what can I say about love? Love, will come at the right time, it need not to be rushed. I'm pretty happy about what I am now, what I have (speaking bout love). I'm glad to be without it. It's hard to take love so seriously when you are still unstable, nothing's concrete, nothing's permanent.
As I have said I have been scarred by love, and numbed by time.
And shit it frustrates me I can't explain this touchy stuff so well. Questions? Questions? I will be glad to answer.
A lot has happened in a course of 10 months. And all I can say is, why haven't I thought of the happiness of singlehood? I ahte talking about his love thing, I really do! And that's what I'm talking about lately. I didn't even noticed that it has dominated my life, and that's very shitty!
So then, what can I say about love? Love, will come at the right time, it need not to be rushed. I'm pretty happy about what I am now, what I have (speaking bout love). I'm glad to be without it. It's hard to take love so seriously when you are still unstable, nothing's concrete, nothing's permanent.
As I have said I have been scarred by love, and numbed by time.
And shit it frustrates me I can't explain this touchy stuff so well. Questions? Questions? I will be glad to answer.
Sensuality
Twas re-reading my old poems in deviantArt, and I noticed that my poems are so sensual, so erotic, I've even listed it in the erotic category. And I was so shocked, because I have this thoughts before. But I do consider it my best poems.
Summer Night Romance
Eros
So, so sensual.
Empathy
Literature > Poetry > Romantic > Other Romance > Fixed
Lips so fine, so soft, defined
Chest so warm, your soul divine.
Hold my hands so full of grace
Pull me near, fathom my face.
Hear my cry, feel my pain
Love me dear, keep me sane.
Take me from this devouring fear
Take me to a place so quiet, sincere.
Patiently I'm waiting here
My feelings, my thoughts so queer.
Kiss me now make it last
Free my soul from the past.
Chest so warm, your soul divine.
Hold my hands so full of grace
Pull me near, fathom my face.
Hear my cry, feel my pain
Love me dear, keep me sane.
Take me from this devouring fear
Take me to a place so quiet, sincere.
Patiently I'm waiting here
My feelings, my thoughts so queer.
Kiss me now make it last
Free my soul from the past.
Summer Night Romance
Literature > Poetry > Erotic > Open
I draw closer to your palpable lips
You're breathe so near, I feel the heat.
My arms around your shoulder
Your lips your nape divine.
As I lay I see your face
So full of love no trace of hate.
Your deed so sweet, so fierce no rage
The moans I hear are works of fate.
So awed how two entwined bodies become one.
The love.
The heat.
The passion.
We have none but one
The love that takes over when we're in love.
You're breathe so near, I feel the heat.
My arms around your shoulder
Your lips your nape divine.
As I lay I see your face
So full of love no trace of hate.
Your deed so sweet, so fierce no rage
The moans I hear are works of fate.
So awed how two entwined bodies become one.
The love.
The heat.
The passion.
We have none but one
The love that takes over when we're in love.
Eros
Literature > Poetry > Erotic > Open
My lips indulging your neck
feel the warmth of my breathe.
Between this entrapping heat
Love and lust is conceived.
Silent noises echoing in the air
Your hand in my chest, loving with care.
The silent noises turning to moans
The joy you give, my love has grown.
Around your arms my breathe so shallow
Bring me somewhere else, I'll follow
Your hand in my heart, look at me
Close your eyes my dear, indulge in this sleep.
feel the warmth of my breathe.
Between this entrapping heat
Love and lust is conceived.
Silent noises echoing in the air
Your hand in my chest, loving with care.
The silent noises turning to moans
The joy you give, my love has grown.
Around your arms my breathe so shallow
Bring me somewhere else, I'll follow
Your hand in my heart, look at me
Close your eyes my dear, indulge in this sleep.
So, so sensual.
Moving on, I feel so relieved today, I can vent out, can talk freely. I feel.. free, but still caged in a big cage.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Demise
So it's been 15 days since my last post. I was reading through my 'latest' blog and I said to myself, "Dangit~ this stuff is horrible." I mean.. if you look through my old posts, it's way much better. I've frustrated myself a hell lot of times just because I can't write a good post. Everything I've been blabbing about is absurd, senseless and sometimes, moronic.
This morning, and afternoon, I could explain my day in one song, "On a High - Duncan Sheik". I was so hyper, so happy, so carefree, so everything that is so positive. Had good laughs, stick out with some friends, made new friends, ate a lot, was somehow happy, somehow filled. Then it all changed when I got home, a suden cloud of depression came over me. I guess it was about the conversation my friend and I had in our way home. Something about letting go. I want to let go, I want to. Reasons? (1) No spontaneous conversation, tons of dead air. (2) Happy? Yes, happy for keeping him, being pampered and all, but keeping him for the sake of me being happy, is pure selfishness. (3) Don't want a commitment to a person I'm not having fun with.
Yes, it is hard for me to let go, so I rather stay this way.
But if I think about it, I'm not happy anymore. In a course of a year, nothing good happened. I'm too scared too look for somebody else. What if nobody wants me? What if I'm not good enough for somebody. I'm so traumatized that every time I like a person.. it's always end up in a one-way relationship.
Right now, I'm taking consideration to let go, find someone new. Let myself free from the insanity I'm suffering. I'm just scared, really REALLY scared. Every time I fall in love with someone.. I never got the attention I wanted.. So it always end up with being friends, and the worst part is, 'they' (generally talking in a span of 9 years or so) never knew how i feel.
So everyday, I put on my 'boy' facade, I never want to show any sign of weakness. Just live life as if nothing horrible happened. By now, I'm used to it.. or not. Enjoying life.. as if nothing is wrong. I rather be stomped in this demise than involving you guys.
I just want someone, something. Anything.
Fuck this love talk! It's sooo not me.
And it's not just about love.. A whole lot has been happening, things I can't explain. Depressed. As if there's something missing in my everyday life.
~There's gotta be more to life, than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me~
This morning, and afternoon, I could explain my day in one song, "On a High - Duncan Sheik". I was so hyper, so happy, so carefree, so everything that is so positive. Had good laughs, stick out with some friends, made new friends, ate a lot, was somehow happy, somehow filled. Then it all changed when I got home, a suden cloud of depression came over me. I guess it was about the conversation my friend and I had in our way home. Something about letting go. I want to let go, I want to. Reasons? (1) No spontaneous conversation, tons of dead air. (2) Happy? Yes, happy for keeping him, being pampered and all, but keeping him for the sake of me being happy, is pure selfishness. (3) Don't want a commitment to a person I'm not having fun with.
Yes, it is hard for me to let go, so I rather stay this way.
But if I think about it, I'm not happy anymore. In a course of a year, nothing good happened. I'm too scared too look for somebody else. What if nobody wants me? What if I'm not good enough for somebody. I'm so traumatized that every time I like a person.. it's always end up in a one-way relationship.
Right now, I'm taking consideration to let go, find someone new. Let myself free from the insanity I'm suffering. I'm just scared, really REALLY scared. Every time I fall in love with someone.. I never got the attention I wanted.. So it always end up with being friends, and the worst part is, 'they' (generally talking in a span of 9 years or so) never knew how i feel.
So everyday, I put on my 'boy' facade, I never want to show any sign of weakness. Just live life as if nothing horrible happened. By now, I'm used to it.. or not. Enjoying life.. as if nothing is wrong. I rather be stomped in this demise than involving you guys.
I just want someone, something. Anything.
Fuck this love talk! It's sooo not me.
And it's not just about love.. A whole lot has been happening, things I can't explain. Depressed. As if there's something missing in my everyday life.
~There's gotta be more to life, than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me~
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
This Day, So Far.
So, it's like, 4:55PM here at my cubicle, at the office, OJT. And so far, I have nothing to do, and I'm super bored. I ate lunch with a bunch of people I don't know and it ain't fun, harhar. I got my trustee phone, and I got my best friend.. ze interweb! harhar. Can't access friendster, but no biggies, don't need it. All I need is my Yahoo Messenger, Plurk and Facebook and I'm good to go.
It's my first day, and this day is super idle. My supervisor just familiarize me with the system they use for Input/Output of receivables and accounts (Mind you that the system is complicated). still no coding for me to do. My supervisor doesn't want me to do encoding and stuffs like the usual On-the-Job-Trainees do. He said, he will treat me as an employee, he sounds strict and all, so nerve wrecking. I will be doing lotsa stuff, like go to different clients as the representative, report, report, talk to other clients, act professional, and they won't let me say that I'm an OJTrainee cause they might make me a PA.. yea.. personal assistant.. harhar. So lotsa responsibilities is in my shoulders, and i can effin feel the weight! Oyeah!
I was expecting to do some Web desiginging or programming in my part, since my resume and interview was full of web web web web stuff.. But I ended up here. But hey, it's part of the training, it's my first time! hahaha, and honestly, I really don't know what I'm good at in this programming stuff. But I can manage, and study bout it. My supervisor also told me that he wants me to absorb their system, so yea, chances of absorption in this company is high if I really do a very very very good job here. I want to be absorbed in this company sooooo bad! Wooo.
So that's about my OJT day. Valentines is near. Me and my guy will only eat lunch at SM Fairview or SM north, buy some stuff, and that's about it. Nuff said.
School, school, school. Ah yes, the foundation week. It kicked off last Sunday (Feb 8) with the motorcade, of course I was there. harhar. Mon-Fri is the school celebration. I didn't attend any celebs. Didn't watched any programs. All I care was my attendance. hahahaha. Tuesday was the ambassador of goodwill contest, I really don't care at all, but I know some friends who joined. So preeeety. Thursday will be the battle of the bands, i doubt I'll watch, but maybe I will, really don't know. Friday is the basketball exhibition game, All-Star?! hahaha, and also our much awaited boodle fight! Can't wait!
So yeah. Live and let live.
It's my first day, and this day is super idle. My supervisor just familiarize me with the system they use for Input/Output of receivables and accounts (Mind you that the system is complicated). still no coding for me to do. My supervisor doesn't want me to do encoding and stuffs like the usual On-the-Job-Trainees do. He said, he will treat me as an employee, he sounds strict and all, so nerve wrecking. I will be doing lotsa stuff, like go to different clients as the representative, report, report, talk to other clients, act professional, and they won't let me say that I'm an OJTrainee cause they might make me a PA.. yea.. personal assistant.. harhar. So lotsa responsibilities is in my shoulders, and i can effin feel the weight! Oyeah!
I was expecting to do some Web desiginging or programming in my part, since my resume and interview was full of web web web web stuff.. But I ended up here. But hey, it's part of the training, it's my first time! hahaha, and honestly, I really don't know what I'm good at in this programming stuff. But I can manage, and study bout it. My supervisor also told me that he wants me to absorb their system, so yea, chances of absorption in this company is high if I really do a very very very good job here. I want to be absorbed in this company sooooo bad! Wooo.
So that's about my OJT day. Valentines is near. Me and my guy will only eat lunch at SM Fairview or SM north, buy some stuff, and that's about it. Nuff said.
School, school, school. Ah yes, the foundation week. It kicked off last Sunday (Feb 8) with the motorcade, of course I was there. harhar. Mon-Fri is the school celebration. I didn't attend any celebs. Didn't watched any programs. All I care was my attendance. hahahaha. Tuesday was the ambassador of goodwill contest, I really don't care at all, but I know some friends who joined. So preeeety. Thursday will be the battle of the bands, i doubt I'll watch, but maybe I will, really don't know. Friday is the basketball exhibition game, All-Star?! hahaha, and also our much awaited boodle fight! Can't wait!
So yeah. Live and let live.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Unproductivity
It's official, my blogging skills are gone. hahaha. Even my poetry, all of it is gone. Is this the feeling of getting older? nyahahaha.. Well... Last trimester was a shame for me. But meh, that's just me. THIS trimester has been good for me. I can finally count my absences in one hand only! (and that's 1 absences for my 4 subjects) hahah.. before.. What I can count in my hand before is my present days. lol. sucks to be me. Meh. Well, I'm feeling confident this trisem, been productive with school, finally taking it seriously. lol hahaha. And hey, I'm taking up my OJT finally! and im doing some programming (if i have a good performance they might request for allowance!) I gotta do my best! So I'm stationed on two offices, 1 at Araneta Avenue corner Quezon Ave, and the other one is at Libis near Eastwood. I might be staying at Pasig for a while so my travel time would be lessen.
Enough with school talk! How about life!? Booze is lessen and I don't like beer no more! I love gin lime. hahah. At least twice a month and that's it. The last time my buddies were having a drink, I was drinking a liter and a half of C2 Red. Hahahaha.
February 13 will be me and my guy's 1st year anniversary. Nuff said.
I'm already over with the butch I'm obsessed with. xD We're still friends, and I never got the chance to tell her I like her... err.. him. XD But when I gave him...her a sneaker bar last Monday, she gave me a smooch in the cheek, and I like it! and she's sober! hahaha. Friends are friends. And I love just the way it is.
Lotsa new friends, new groups, new life.
Enough with school talk! How about life!? Booze is lessen and I don't like beer no more! I love gin lime. hahah. At least twice a month and that's it. The last time my buddies were having a drink, I was drinking a liter and a half of C2 Red. Hahahaha.
February 13 will be me and my guy's 1st year anniversary. Nuff said.
I'm already over with the butch I'm obsessed with. xD We're still friends, and I never got the chance to tell her I like her... err.. him. XD But when I gave him...her a sneaker bar last Monday, she gave me a smooch in the cheek, and I like it! and she's sober! hahaha. Friends are friends. And I love just the way it is.
Lotsa new friends, new groups, new life.
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