Illusion

I keep saying to myself that it's just an illusion,a figment of my imagination, something that I want to happen, something I've longed for, something I want. I keep saying to myself that it's not for me, I keep saying to myself to stop, I keep telling myself that this is how far it goes, I keep telling myself to shut up, forget about it. I keep telling myself that there's more to life. I keep telling myself that I should not think about it, worry about it or fret about.

I'm worrying about it, I actually do, it's not something that I can shrug off and say that's it nothing. It is, actually, something. A big impact in my life (even if I keep telling myself that it's not) It's something I want so bad, but I won't allow myself to indulge in this emotion.. or rather an illusion. I don't want to experience this pain again, I am avoiding it, but I'm still in pain, ironic isn't it?

All along I thought that I'm strong enough, but I'm wrong.