Love for me has changed over the years. Love as I experienced it started prematurely, love for a kid is an irrational decision. So much wishes, so much plans. At the age of 16 I'm all into love. I was in love of being in love. I didn't care about other people, as long as I'm happy of being in love, I don't care what happens, come what may. I never judged the person I love, I believed every word he says, and it never did bothered me. THAT was love for me. All I ever cared for is that I'm happy. I was so selfish I didn't care what would happen. After all it was my first love, first everything (well almost). After a year I was left all alone, then I didn't accept the fact that the guy I loved the most left me for no decent reason at all. For better or for worse? That line ringed liked bullshit in my heart.
And so 6 months of depression happened to me. It was like the dark ages of my life. 6 months I have wept and wasted my life. I was high with booze. Everyday was like Nirvana, but every waking day is like a hellhole. I keep trash talking and flirting with guys I barely know, just for me to satisfy my need of "being in love". I needed a man, cause I was craving for the need of being loved. I needed a hug, I needed a kiss, and every time I did, it was him I see all the time. I imagined him. I was insane. I have to stop.
I have taken refuge in the intraweb where I have this disillusion that everyone praises me. I've attracted a lot of attention, it made me feel good. I felt that I was God, and I hold a lot of power in the intraweb. But in reality, I'm this reject that no one wants to be with. At least the intraweb became a temporal bliss. And then that's the time I started flirting with this guy I barely know. All it took was a week for us to meet in real life. I started dating him for the sake of my twisted mentality of "the feeling of being in loved". My delusion started eating me and I thought I was in love. After 4 months, we broke up, cause we barely talk to each other, and barely seen each other. It was then his friend captured my heart.
Of all the relationships I had this was the most twisted one, I really never gained anything. I was only entrapped in my own Nirvana. I poured out everything. Finally, I thought he was the one, I even said the words you're the last guy I'm going to love for the rest of my life and he too said those words to me. I was happy, all I ever care was our happiness. I believed every sweet words he said. I thought it would last forever. My world shattered when he was with another woman. All the hope and the promises.. they were broken. Depression once again ruined my life. But I knew I was growing, taking baby steps and all, but I never cried to hard. Maybe because my heart was filled with loathe and anger. All I ever want was revenge. That one year was a big regret.
Why am I telling these stuff? This is not all about the sick sad story of life I'm talking about. It's all about how I grew into knowing love. even though I still have "SOME" disillusionment left in me, I'm trying my best to change it. But in the current relationship I'm having, I did made some premature moves. Like, talking about the future, making heavy promises. (you're the one I'm going to marry, you're surely the last person I'm going to love, I love you until the end of time, etc.). But it's all said and done. It's just best leave the commitment part when you guys are truly ready for it all, not just because you're madly in love because of...
But yes, I did said those words, so now, I'm fixing/patching things up. Even if it's a struggle. I'm learning on how to be NOT dependent on the person you love. I can.. I can.. but it's harder when the other person has that mentality. I just want to grow as a person and as a lover.
YES: I love you INSPITE of.
NO: I love you BECAUSE of.
