Demise

So it's been 15 days since my last post. I was reading through my 'latest' blog and I said to myself, "Dangit~ this stuff is horrible." I mean.. if you look through my old posts, it's way much better. I've frustrated myself a hell lot of times just because I can't write a good post. Everything I've been blabbing about is absurd, senseless and sometimes, moronic.

This morning, and afternoon, I could explain my day in one song, "On a High - Duncan Sheik". I was so hyper, so happy, so carefree, so everything that is so positive. Had good laughs, stick out with some friends, made new friends, ate a lot, was somehow happy, somehow filled. Then it all changed when I got home, a suden cloud of depression came over me. I guess it was about the conversation my friend and I had in our way home. Something about letting go. I want to let go, I want to. Reasons? (1) No spontaneous conversation, tons of dead air. (2) Happy? Yes, happy for keeping him, being pampered and all, but keeping him for the sake of me being happy, is pure selfishness. (3) Don't want a commitment to a person I'm not having fun with.

Yes, it is hard for me to let go, so I rather stay this way.

But if I think about it, I'm not happy anymore. In a course of a year, nothing good happened. I'm too scared too look for somebody else. What if nobody wants me? What if I'm not good enough for somebody. I'm so traumatized that every time I like a person.. it's always end up in a one-way relationship.

Right now, I'm taking consideration to let go, find someone new. Let myself free from the insanity I'm suffering. I'm just scared, really REALLY scared. Every time I fall in love with someone.. I never got the attention I wanted.. So it always end up with being friends, and the worst part is, 'they' (generally talking in a span of 9 years or so) never knew how i feel.

So everyday, I put on my 'boy' facade, I never want to show any sign of weakness. Just live life as if nothing horrible happened. By now, I'm used to it.. or not. Enjoying life.. as if nothing is wrong. I rather be stomped in this demise than involving you guys.

I just want someone, something. Anything.


Fuck this love talk! It's sooo not me.

And it's not just about love.. A whole lot has been happening, things I can't explain. Depressed. As if there's something missing in my everyday life.

~There's gotta be more to life, than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me~