Seirah's Scheme

My Day: Just my Luck.

2010-05-06T08:52:00.001-07:00

So, you really want to know about my day? It was a mix of good gone bad and bad gone good. My morning was horrible; I went to Eastwood to have my Graphic Exam. I got it to the waiting list, that’s bad enough. I didn’t fail though, but the fact that I got it into the waiting list is a jargon of, “No chance!” But hey, there are 3 marks, pass, fail, the other one would be on the waiting list. I had no muse at the time. My creative juice usually flows around midnight. I took the exam at 9:15 A.M. That gotta suck men! I really ain’t expecting a call back, but I hope I do get e re-take exam. By the way, if ever I get the job I would start by May 12 (Which I really didn’t get, so why the hell? I’m just saying.) I was so disappointed that morning, because I really love the job they’re offering, “Junior Web Designer”. Basically, you make ads for clients using Photoshop and Illustrator (Fireworks and Dreamweaver is a plus, and HTML), in a dual flat screen monitor. Haven’t seen some tablets though, maybe the AutoCad department has some, but who knows right?

So after sucking up on my “defeat”, I didn’t want to go home yet, twas dismayed, so, I texted my friend, Myleen. I asked her what her plans are for the day, and she told me that she’s going to school. I tagged along since I have some paperwork to be done at school. We ate lunch together then went to the registrar’s office. After that she went back to her office. She told me that she’ll be back. So I’ve waited for almost two hours (and the heat was intense I tell you!). Good thing she has a car, and I was relieved from the heat I’ve absorbed.(It burns! The heat burns!)

We went to SM Fairview. First store we went through was Booksale. She bought two books and I reserved 2 books (James Patterson’s Beach Road and Vinegar Hill by Ansay). I already had a copy of Vinegar Hill, but it has a hell lot of spine creases, so I grabbed a copy which is obviously better. We decided to go to Robinson’s Booksale after that.

On the way to Robinson’s, I saw my high school classmate, had an exchange of Hi’s and Hello’s. Little did I know, she was at the recruitment department of Convergys Commonwealth, she asked me if I wanted to apply. I had my second thoughts, since I want to be based on an IT department. Myleen convinced me that I should try it for the sake of an interview experience (I get too nervous). So the process was fast since I have a hell lot of resumes in my bag, I didn’t need to fill up the application form. The interview was quick. First question was, “What position are you applying for?” I got intimated since, I really don’t have anything in mind since I was convinced to take the opportunity for experience. So I said, “I really don’t have any idea since your recruiter approached me and I’ve taken the offer to take my chances, but if given the chance, I would like to apply for a job that is on the IT field”. The interviewer said that they have only CSR accounts available, but if I want to be an agent, I could choose an account that has something to do with technical support (DSL services to be exact). After that , was a series of questions like, “Are you willing to work in shifting hours and days?” The no-brainer questions. So after that (which is about 5-7 minutes), the interviewer gave me an endorsement letter (speeds up the application. You have to go the office though for interview, with less process of course. Only available for a month). And guys, check this out, after the interview, (Convergys’ job fair was held inside Go Nuts Donuts), they gave me a stub which is entitled for a free Pizza Bread, 2 Cookies and an Iced tea. Now blow me down! Had an unexpected opportunity and had a free snack!

After that, we continued our way to Robinson’s Booksale. Myleen bought 2 books, and I, again, reserved 2 very, very good books (The Magician’s Assistant, and, The Secret Twin). Yes! Myleen bought some flip-flops after that, she bought some ballers too. She got me a Doraemon phone charm, and she got a Spongebob phone charm.

We went back to SM Fairview, I then remembered that I have a gift check for Starbucks, So I used it (I was thirsty.. WHAT?!), added 15 bucks for a tall Iced Café Mocha, and she asked for my name. I told her, “SEI-RAH”, this lesb beside her was like, “Ano po spelling ng name ninyo?”, I said, “Ikaw bahala :)”. My reason for this? I’m amused how people spell my name, I’ve encountered a hell lot of ways how people spell my name. She spelled my name as “SAIRA”, wonderful. That’s totally different from “SEIRAH”. It’d be better if she spelled it as “SAY-RA” (Still sounds like SAIRA, wtf?). Anyways, moving on, Hear ye! Hear ye! When the receipt was printed by the cashier (named Rob.. as in Robina) was like, “Oh ma’am, you’re so lucky, you get a free Tall drink after you visit this site (which is printed in the receipt), and answer the customer reaction, after that there will be a code given to you, write it in the receipt and present it in any Starbucks Shop, anytime, anywhere.” She was soooo nice, when I went out she was like, "Bye po! :)" And in my mind I was like, “Just my luck, just my luck.”

What I have installed in my box. :)

2010-04-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

(Windows default applications not included)

A. School and Work Related

*Adobe Suite
-Photoshop CS4
-Fireworks CS3 (Kamali kasi ako ng DL.)
-Flash CS4
-Dreamweaver CS4

*MS Visual Studio
-MS FoxPro (LOL. Had to install, may nagpapagawa ee.)
-MS Visual Basic 6.0 (Had this installed kasi meron syang tools na wala sa 2008)
-MS Visual Basic 2008
-MS SQL Server 2005

*Wamp Server
-Joomla (Installed in my wamp server)

*Crimson Editor (This is were I edit my HTML. May color kasi. Hahaha)

B. In-System Tools

*NOD32
*McAfee Security Scan
*Software Informer (Let's you know if there's a new version of your applications)
*USB Security (From Noel!)

C. Download Tools

*uTorrent
*Orbit
*Limewire
*YouTube Downloader

D. Messengers

*Yahoo! Messenger
*Windows Live Messenger
*Skype
*Chikka Messenger
*mIRC

E. Media

*VLC Player (I used for videos)
*Winamp (My Music library is seen here)
*FLV Player (Used to use this for my youtube DLs. VLC can read flv.)
*Quicktime (I don't even use this, it comes with Java)

F. Office Tools

* MS Office 2010 Pro (Yeah, I got the latest. Di na siya beta. The only differnce so far na nakikita ko with 2007 is the bluetooth button. Never used it tho.)

G. Browser

*Mozilla Firefox

*Mozilla Thunderbird (Not a browser tho, kinda. Like an email browser.)

H. Miscellaneous Apps

*WinRAR
*Post-It Digital Notes
*Tag & Rename (Batch processing of renaming your music files. I use this all the time)
*Nero Starsmart (For Burning ROMs)
*PowerISO
*Globe Broadband
*SmartBRO (Doesn't work on Win7!)
*Sun Broadband

I. Games

*darkRO
*Grand Fantasia
*Nostale
*The Sims 3
*Governor of Poker
*Text Twist 2
*Cake Mania 2
*Airport Mania
*Farm Frenzy
*PLants Versus Zombies

I make sure that my apps are up to date and registered/licensed/cracked. Hahahaha.

Any comments? Suggestions? Ano bang magagandang apps? :)

My Confession. My Final Say.

2009-08-08T01:16:00.001-07:00

A sudden chain of events has happened within this year. Have lost a lot, but gained a lot. Life was meant to be lived and not to be played with. I didn’t take life seriously and the motion of bad luck has ticked once again. I haven’t blogged for ages, and this is the time I felt that I can exceed my expectations to amuse myself with what I write. There are a lot of times that I want to write, but when I am about to strike my keyboard with the swirl of thoughts that has been playing on my mind, it just fades, evanescent. The weather has a lot to do with the inspiration to write. It is as if the cool breeze has been my muse. The moonlit clouds, the silhouette of the trees gently swaying with the wind. The –ber months is near. I love the dry cold wind that’s caressing my face.

I haven’t failed to disappoint myself this quarter. Why can’t I have the things I want? I feel so left behind, so alone, so stupid and so annoying. I keep telling myself that I’ll muster my strength to talk to you, but when you’re there, all I can do is to stay silent and pretend that I don’t care, even if I do. My silence is my proof. I am caught red-handed. I am guilty, and it’s obvious that it’s written in my face. All I can do is stare and talk to you indirectly. But then again, I’ll take my chances; No damage on your side. It’s just when you get to read this, I’ll have to suffer the embarrassment. It’s just I feel ignored (pampam ako!). I have conditioned myself that I have no chances at all.

I bet you won’t get to read this. I wish you could.

You know who you are.

Remains

2009-04-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

As I lay my head on my bedroom floor
Flashes of dreams collides my sanity
Vivid images of you, I crave for more
Your scent on my skin, feeds my vanity

You stayed as an illusion, you're unreachable
Allured by your voice, I'm imprisoned
I tried to preserve you in my world, I wasn't able
I was deranged, I was demented, I was mislaid.

Fragments of your existence still remains
I still hear you whispering in my ear
My imagination has failed me once again
Keeping me alive, keeping me insane.

The remains of what there is left behind. Keeping you alive, but delusional at the same time.

Click here for original post at my DeviantArt.

Crude and Obscene

2009-04-28T08:45:00.001-07:00

Made it and posted in in deviantart. Click here to see my account

Imperfect, unpolished, unwanted
Is how we were when we first met
Almost dying, barely breathing
Liquor drenched lips, burning eyes.

By chance we met each other
reading each other's obscene thoughts
exchanging deranged ideas
exploring everything we could think of

Blood drenched souls, Dark schemes
Killing them in our dreams
The same passion, the same lust
We were once crude, but now we're only obscene.

After ages of my writer's block, here's a poem that goes out for my soul-mate. I like how evil we can be, and yet understand each other. Like I said, you're the male version of me, and I'm the female version of you. Too bad you're on the other side of the world. For my How could I not miss you?

Lots and Lots

2009-04-23T09:54:00.001-07:00

I can't put my thought into words. A lot has happen. A lot has changed. Might talk bout it next time.

Till then.

Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood Season 2

2009-04-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

Finally! After five years of wait, FMA is back! Bigger and better. The success of the manga which was made way back 2003 was aired in series after 6 months. The first season lasted for a year! With 51 episodes. The series stayed in life with the manga in the first half, the other half just went wrong! SPOILER: In the end, Al was transformed back to his original child self with no memories of whatsoever happened between the times he was in the "tin can" form, and Edward was transported to the "Hitler" times. Kinda disappointed when I finished that anime. I never had thought of reading the manga (I don't know why) but I am so so super duper hyped with the new season!

You can download it (with a streaming capturing downloader) at http://www.chia-anime.com I tell you the quality is great if you download it! as in HQ!

As of today (4-11-09), there are 2 episodes out.

Go watch!

Edit: And yeah, twas listening to the opening song.. The voice was familiar.. turns out to be I was right! The opening song is entitled AGAIN and it's by YUI! I bet she has a new album out! And I didn't heard about it!

SO HYPED!!!!

Spontaneous Rants and Blurbs

2009-04-11T06:26:00.000-07:00

April 7 marks the spot for my last day of OJT. I'm glad I'm finished.. 130 hours more to go next sem! At least I finished my required time this semester. I have no ideas or thoughts to return to that company, why? Well if you'd travel 2-3 hours on the way to work.. will you? It's very tiring, really! But hey., the company is good, the tasks that I do is really related to my line (unlike other OJTers out there.XD) I'm planning to look for a company that is near my school.

Honestly, in my last day of work, when I left the building, I felt sad. I'd never get to see the people I spent a hundred and thirty hours with. There was a feeling of regret to leave the place. It's like moving on to another chapter of my life. I felt attached to the people I always spend time with. I wonder what it would feel when I leave school.

Moving on, I got my new prescribed lens with a grade of 2.25 (Left) and 2.00 (Right). It's my first time to have lens with different grades (I wish I made it equal). I'm so struggling right now, my head hurts because I'm not used to wearing lens with different grades.. STRUGGLING.

Spent Holy Week at the house, nothing to do really. Been idling, playing billiards (twice) in the neighborhood (like 30 steps away from the house), eating barbecues with high school friends, playing restaurant city, sorority life and vampire wars in facebook, watching movies. B O R I N G. Spent the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th of April in Batangas, with my church family. Photos in Facebook and Multiply.

Twas watching Bridal Wars last night.

How are you feeling? Fine. Fine is not a feeling.

What are your opinions in this one I truly believe that fine is not a feeling.

Edit: In my last day of work, I strolled the lanes, paths malls of Eastwood City. Twas lovely at night. Love the lights.

Curls from the inside out. Sad sick Songs.

2009-03-19T07:23:00.000-07:00

Been guilty that I haven't been listening to BLINK182 lately, but right now, I am reliving the moment. I soo miss their songs, I still have my loyalty pledged with them, even if I have my new faves, which definitely strucked my inner vibes like blink. It also soothes. Blink will be back, YES, BACK again this summer of '09. After 17 years of sweet, loud, and punky music, 11 albums and tons of singles and camios! they will definitely come back, with a new album. AND I AM SOOOO HYPED! The band which bonded us, along with Parasol a.k.a. Black heaven and my lifetime friends, together.

Songs of hope and despair. Our soul music.

Songs to grieve, more songs to live for.

P.S. Might be making poems again, there's something overwhelming in my mind right now. Oh how I missed the old days. I might be inspired.

P.P.S. A very very good friend told me this today: "I'm happy for you."
made me confused, oh yeah.

Take it!

2009-03-16T06:05:00.000-07:00

Stupid. Pathetic. Wrong. Dunce. Dumb. Futile. Nincompoop. Idiot. Imbecile. Meaningless. SHIIIIT!

Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.

RARA, TAKE IT! TAKE IT! TAKE IT! WRONG!

*Stress reliever.

GRAWSH!

2009-03-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

People tend to be selfish when it comes to love. What's the point of having someone if there is no love. They live for excitement, expectations, someone to fill their so called emptiness. We are so tied by this sad sick mindset. Sadly, I was one of them. WAS. But there are times that I am relapsing. You can't blame people for their "clinginess". I've almost overcome this mindset, there are just triggers that makes me relapse.

It sickens me, I loathe it, I hate it, this feeling. Save myself from the pain? Gosh, I can't even get away from the pain. It's like I've almost lived for pain. It kills. This, this nauseating feeling, you can't just shrug it off. Gosh! It's so hard to materialize what I'm thinking right now, I just want to release the tension. Hysteria!

This is ridiculous. Love? Feeling? It's all... fleeting.

What's the Price?

2009-03-13T03:47:00.001-07:00

I rather be inspired than being in love. I don't want to dwell in the illusion of being in love again. Being inspired sways me from this thought. No expectations, no frustrations. i can get inspirations from everyone. There's just this one person who exceed the rest. He inspires me the most right now. i don't care if we don't talk a lot.. even if I wanted to! But I'll keep myself inspired.. I won't fall in love with him, I won't.. I won't.. I already did.. but I won't! I can't!

Pfft.

Illusion

2009-03-04T23:14:00.000-08:00

I keep saying to myself that it's just an illusion,a figment of my imagination, something that I want to happen, something I've longed for, something I want. I keep saying to myself that it's not for me, I keep saying to myself to stop, I keep telling myself that this is how far it goes, I keep telling myself to shut up, forget about it. I keep telling myself that there's more to life. I keep telling myself that I should not think about it, worry about it or fret about.

I'm worrying about it, I actually do, it's not something that I can shrug off and say that's it nothing. It is, actually, something. A big impact in my life (even if I keep telling myself that it's not) It's something I want so bad, but I won't allow myself to indulge in this emotion.. or rather an illusion. I don't want to experience this pain again, I am avoiding it, but I'm still in pain, ironic isn't it?

All along I thought that I'm strong enough, but I'm wrong.

Staying Sane.

2009-03-04T01:22:00.000-08:00

When I saw this images flashing right before my eyes:

Some bug report

some sql scripting

Immediately, I felt like a dunce, I've never been pressured like this. School life is a hell lot different from the real world. This situation made me frustrated, I swear i won't do any programming stuff (Well, exept Web Programming stuff. ;p) All I want to do after I graduate is to become a web designer/master! Hahaha, I seriously want to take up digital arts, but it's costly. Might as well go abroad and have my further studies, or have my further studies here.. hmm.. I just want a job I can enjoy! and right now .. I ain't enjoying, I really feel like a dunce. GOSH.

Anyway, Nihonggo has been frying my brains, but it's fun, and I get to hang out with some of my friends. Ureshii~

I'm so happy, I'm so happy, I'm so happy and pretty and gay! Hahahha. I feel happy.. really.. I feel special in some ways, but still I don't want to give in. Hekhek, what am I talking about.. I'm just.. overjoyed, or just plain stupid. I don't want to get cocky and all.. but I'm so... falling. Hahaha. Well.. never mind about that.. let's talk about.... change.

I've been changing some habits these past week, I'm glad that I can control those habits. So glad. so glad. My taste has change. :p But dang~ I can't believe I ate all that fat! My obento was oishii~ or maybe I felt it was delicious cause i was having fun eating lunch earlier.. hope we can do it again guys~ (Liempo for lunch).

Let's talk about... HATE. I've been hating the way I write, it's so.. girly! I mean.. it's like writing in a diary. And what annoys me the most is the, "haha, hehe" part. It's so.. unprofessional. hehehe .. . . . .. . SEE! Dangit! But hey.. that's the way life goes. At least I can finally write again. I am now suffering from Writer's Unproductivity. :p Blabbing bout random useless facts, but at least my mind ain't blocked anymore. Somewhat inspired? nah~ don't want to think that way now ei.

I love pirates! yaaar~ ahooy matey!

hell yeah, that was random. :p

"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." -Barack.Obama.

Day Dreaming.

2009-03-03T00:06:00.000-08:00

It's good to hope at times, a.k.a. daydream. :)

I want:

to pamper myself.
to watch a movie.
to eat in a fine-dining restaurant.
to work out
spend my time with friends watching dvds, listening to music, playing game consoles, eat snacks, have a chit-chat, laugh out loud.
to ROFL. xD.
to confide
learn French (I am taking Nihonggo at the moment right now and I ain't focusing.)
to learn to drive
to have a car
to go to the beach
to go scuba diving
to go sky diving
to go cliff diving
to skii
to ice skate
to go roller blading
to take up culinary arts
to cook for my family
to treat my relatives in dampa
to eat seafood
to go crash shopping
a new wardrobe
new shoes
to travel the world
to go to broadway
to have a job
to work
to invent/discover something that's not yet invented/discovered
to do the boogy dance
to do the thriller dance
to learn to dance
to see, touch, smell snow
to learn the flute
to have the best job in the world
to be a critique
to sing in top of my lungs
to be a wedding planner
to be a manager
to manage
to be able to express my feelings verbally
to be succesful
to have a water bed
to renovate our kitchen
a condominium
a resort
an island
to light a brown bag with poo on fire and put in in my neighbor's door and ring their bell. When they open it, they'll see the burning bag and attempt to stomp it. Eventually they'll get poo in the shoes. Just like those in the movies.
to learn MMA. (Mixed Martial Arts)
to use a needle as a deadly weapon
to have an iphone
to have every apple products. =D
to renovate, refurnish, refurbate our home.
to own a plane
to play basketball again....
to play tennis again..
to play table tennis again..
to be able to play my sports again
TIME.
chocolates
to open/manage a coffee shop
to have gaming consoles. ..

And my only onw wish.

I wish I can do/have/own this things.

Missing.

2009-03-02T05:34:00.000-08:00

I have terrible mood swings, really. I just need someone to make my day. Dang~
So incomplete.. this blog.. useless.

Have I told you I'm inspired? NOT in love, but inspired. I don't want to have high hopes, but am still hoping, and still hurting myself in the process.

This sucks. Sucks to be me~

Hi. :)

Some Unintelligible Rants

2009-03-01T08:27:00.000-08:00

I feel stupid. I've been blabbing bout how I feel lately, makes me feel vulnerable and stuff. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. But it does feel so good.. to confide.. but still.. I feel really stupid .. and desperate.. and annoying.. and stupid... I can't just keep myself.. to myself.. know what I mean?

Moving on.. I'm putting an end to some things I used to do, I think I'm better off without it. And that's a lot of stuff.. I'm actually having a grasp of humanity. I'm trying.. And now I'm willing.. I gotta stay strong. Ship~

I feel so stupid, really. I can't get over it. Ship, ship, ship. What have I done.. grr.. somebody assure me everything's all right.. cause I feel it ain't ..

Blunders and Bludgers of Love Part 2.

2009-02-27T07:59:00.000-08:00

If y'all remember my post before: Blunders and Bludgers of Life

A lot has happened in a course of 10 months. And all I can say is, why haven't I thought of the happiness of singlehood? I ahte talking about his love thing, I really do! And that's what I'm talking about lately. I didn't even noticed that it has dominated my life, and that's very shitty!

So then, what can I say about love? Love, will come at the right time, it need not to be rushed. I'm pretty happy about what I am now, what I have (speaking bout love). I'm glad to be without it. It's hard to take love so seriously when you are still unstable, nothing's concrete, nothing's permanent.

As I have said I have been scarred by love, and numbed by time.

And shit it frustrates me I can't explain this touchy stuff so well. Questions? Questions? I will be glad to answer.

Sensuality

2009-02-27T07:16:00.000-08:00

Twas re-reading my old poems in deviantArt, and I noticed that my poems are so sensual, so erotic, I've even listed it in the erotic category. And I was so shocked, because I have this thoughts before. But I do consider it my best poems.

Empathy

Literature > Poetry > Romantic > Other Romance > Fixed

Lips so fine, so soft, defined
Chest so warm, your soul divine.
Hold my hands so full of grace
Pull me near, fathom my face.

Hear my cry, feel my pain
Love me dear, keep me sane.
Take me from this devouring fear
Take me to a place so quiet, sincere.

Patiently I'm waiting here
My feelings, my thoughts so queer.
Kiss me now make it last
Free my soul from the past.

Summer Night Romance

Literature > Poetry > Erotic > Open

I draw closer to your palpable lips
You're breathe so near, I feel the heat.
My arms around your shoulder
Your lips your nape divine.

As I lay I see your face
So full of love no trace of hate.
Your deed so sweet, so fierce no rage
The moans I hear are works of fate.

So awed how two entwined bodies become one.

The love.
The heat.
The passion.

We have none but one
The love that takes over when we're in love.

Eros

Literature > Poetry > Erotic > Open

My lips indulging your neck
feel the warmth of my breathe.
Between this entrapping heat
Love and lust is conceived.

Silent noises echoing in the air
Your hand in my chest, loving with care.
The silent noises turning to moans
The joy you give, my love has grown.

Around your arms my breathe so shallow
Bring me somewhere else, I'll follow
Your hand in my heart, look at me
Close your eyes my dear, indulge in this sleep.

So, so sensual.

Moving on, I feel so relieved today, I can vent out, can talk freely. I feel.. free, but still caged in a big cage.

Demise

2009-02-26T06:04:00.000-08:00

So it's been 15 days since my last post. I was reading through my 'latest' blog and I said to myself, "Dangit~ this stuff is horrible." I mean.. if you look through my old posts, it's way much better. I've frustrated myself a hell lot of times just because I can't write a good post. Everything I've been blabbing about is absurd, senseless and sometimes, moronic.

This morning, and afternoon, I could explain my day in one song, "On a High - Duncan Sheik". I was so hyper, so happy, so carefree, so everything that is so positive. Had good laughs, stick out with some friends, made new friends, ate a lot, was somehow happy, somehow filled. Then it all changed when I got home, a suden cloud of depression came over me. I guess it was about the conversation my friend and I had in our way home. Something about letting go. I want to let go, I want to. Reasons? (1) No spontaneous conversation, tons of dead air. (2) Happy? Yes, happy for keeping him, being pampered and all, but keeping him for the sake of me being happy, is pure selfishness. (3) Don't want a commitment to a person I'm not having fun with.

Yes, it is hard for me to let go, so I rather stay this way.

But if I think about it, I'm not happy anymore. In a course of a year, nothing good happened. I'm too scared too look for somebody else. What if nobody wants me? What if I'm not good enough for somebody. I'm so traumatized that every time I like a person.. it's always end up in a one-way relationship.

Right now, I'm taking consideration to let go, find someone new. Let myself free from the insanity I'm suffering. I'm just scared, really REALLY scared. Every time I fall in love with someone.. I never got the attention I wanted.. So it always end up with being friends, and the worst part is, 'they' (generally talking in a span of 9 years or so) never knew how i feel.

So everyday, I put on my 'boy' facade, I never want to show any sign of weakness. Just live life as if nothing horrible happened. By now, I'm used to it.. or not. Enjoying life.. as if nothing is wrong. I rather be stomped in this demise than involving you guys.

I just want someone, something. Anything.

Fuck this love talk! It's sooo not me.

And it's not just about love.. A whole lot has been happening, things I can't explain. Depressed. As if there's something missing in my everyday life.

~There's gotta be more to life, than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me~

This Day, So Far.

2009-02-11T00:56:00.000-08:00

So, it's like, 4:55PM here at my cubicle, at the office, OJT. And so far, I have nothing to do, and I'm super bored. I ate lunch with a bunch of people I don't know and it ain't fun, harhar. I got my trustee phone, and I got my best friend.. ze interweb! harhar. Can't access friendster, but no biggies, don't need it. All I need is my Yahoo Messenger, Plurk and Facebook and I'm good to go.

It's my first day, and this day is super idle. My supervisor just familiarize me with the system they use for Input/Output of receivables and accounts (Mind you that the system is complicated). still no coding for me to do. My supervisor doesn't want me to do encoding and stuffs like the usual On-the-Job-Trainees do. He said, he will treat me as an employee, he sounds strict and all, so nerve wrecking. I will be doing lotsa stuff, like go to different clients as the representative, report, report, talk to other clients, act professional, and they won't let me say that I'm an OJTrainee cause they might make me a PA.. yea.. personal assistant.. harhar. So lotsa responsibilities is in my shoulders, and i can effin feel the weight! Oyeah!

I was expecting to do some Web desiginging or programming in my part, since my resume and interview was full of web web web web stuff.. But I ended up here. But hey, it's part of the training, it's my first time! hahaha, and honestly, I really don't know what I'm good at in this programming stuff. But I can manage, and study bout it. My supervisor also told me that he wants me to absorb their system, so yea, chances of absorption in this company is high if I really do a very very very good job here. I want to be absorbed in this company sooooo bad! Wooo.

So that's about my OJT day. Valentines is near. Me and my guy will only eat lunch at SM Fairview or SM north, buy some stuff, and that's about it. Nuff said.

School, school, school. Ah yes, the foundation week. It kicked off last Sunday (Feb 8) with the motorcade, of course I was there. harhar. Mon-Fri is the school celebration. I didn't attend any celebs. Didn't watched any programs. All I care was my attendance. hahahaha. Tuesday was the ambassador of goodwill contest, I really don't care at all, but I know some friends who joined. So preeeety. Thursday will be the battle of the bands, i doubt I'll watch, but maybe I will, really don't know. Friday is the basketball exhibition game, All-Star?! hahaha, and also our much awaited boodle fight! Can't wait!

So yeah. Live and let live.

Unproductivity

2009-02-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

It's official, my blogging skills are gone. hahaha. Even my poetry, all of it is gone. Is this the feeling of getting older? nyahahaha.. Well... Last trimester was a shame for me. But meh, that's just me. THIS trimester has been good for me. I can finally count my absences in one hand only! (and that's 1 absences for my 4 subjects) hahah.. before.. What I can count in my hand before is my present days. lol. sucks to be me. Meh. Well, I'm feeling confident this trisem, been productive with school, finally taking it seriously. lol hahaha. And hey, I'm taking up my OJT finally! and im doing some programming (if i have a good performance they might request for allowance!) I gotta do my best! So I'm stationed on two offices, 1 at Araneta Avenue corner Quezon Ave, and the other one is at Libis near Eastwood. I might be staying at Pasig for a while so my travel time would be lessen.

Enough with school talk! How about life!? Booze is lessen and I don't like beer no more! I love gin lime. hahah. At least twice a month and that's it. The last time my buddies were having a drink, I was drinking a liter and a half of C2 Red. Hahahaha.

February 13 will be me and my guy's 1st year anniversary. Nuff said.

I'm already over with the butch I'm obsessed with. xD We're still friends, and I never got the chance to tell her I like her... err.. him. XD But when I gave him...her a sneaker bar last Monday, she gave me a smooch in the cheek, and I like it! and she's sober! hahaha. Friends are friends. And I love just the way it is.

Lotsa new friends, new groups, new life.

Me!? For President!?

2008-10-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE
OMG! I'm famous! And I'm not even an American citizen!
Ima count on you guys! click now!

-Ber Happy.

2008-08-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

Oh em gee! The -ber months is here. tralalalalala~ And hooray for cooler weather. I hope it won't be that rainy. Can't you guys believe it? And here I am in my senior year in college, and mind you, GRADUATING, not GRADWAITING. It's an inside joke me and my batch mates have, since I'm in a college overdue. 1st trimester is about to end, 4 weekdays to go and say hello to 2nd trimester. I hope i pass all my subjects since I'm struggling right now. I'm getting lazy for school, but i have to. Reality sucks. Well, this might be the the best year for me.. so far. I've started my new year right, so might as well end it well (even though I've burnt my right hand last new year, it might be good luck.XD) But yeah, I am happy, never been this happy. I love you guys! I love my parents and my brothers! muahaha~! I love everybody. I can't wait till graduation.

I am totally random right now, I can see teh tower of Babel collapsing because of inconsistency, just like me.:3 It sucks to be random, but is a good thing at the same time. Random people are spontaneous and fun to be with. The shifting of subjects maybe be fast paced but substantial. NOT! ahahaha, for me it isn't.

Can't wait for Christmas, can't wait for valentines, can't wait for graduation. muahahaha~!

Miss, you're an abomination.

2008-08-26T05:55:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when you see bullies? I thought bullies where a thing of the past, for grade school students. But then in college, insecure bitches are the bullies. Well, I just can't see someone who can't fight back.. can't fight back. confusing? NO. And what is the main reason for this insecure whore to bully someone? Well, I know it all started in a blog, this girl (or transvestite) was like, "Hey kid, you get me so irritated in your blog, you want so much attention that it irritates me a lot. stop bitching around and have a life". So of course my uberly lovely friend here don't want to hear more mockery from this asshole, so she have decided to erase her in her multiply account. Ok, so it's all done, but noooooo, this skank reacted on why was she deleted in multiply. I mean, what the hell is the point of you being deleted IF you don't want to read my friends daily rants and stuff. I mean helloooo, are you some retard or what? Actually, in the pathetic scale, YOU are more pathetic picking on someone who is just writing a god damn free opinionated blog you son of a bitch. But steer clear, I'm more pathetic than you, cause it's not my fight, I just can't stand it. So stop you're worthless babbling and yapping and do something more humane.

If worse comes to worst, I don't care, bring it on. Talo lang ako sa palakihan ng boobs nuh. LOL. No hard feelings, friends padin ah. LOL

Typer Happy Baby~!

2008-08-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

I get so hyped up whenever I see this uber silly emoticon: I mean.. just look at him! I sooo remember Lars the Emo Kid. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then search in in youtube. If you don't know youtube then screw you! Get the hell out of the interweb cause your a 1337 n00b! Damn.

Don't you believe that there are actually "Internetally Challenged" People? Well people , there are, people who tYpE lIkE tHiZ, and people who keep saying, asl but doens't know what it means. People who responds laughing like "haha" or "lol" because they don't know what they are talking about. And those people who keep on saying LOL even if it ain't funny. You idiot just love saying LOL all teh time ei? Well, here's what I have to say... FUCK YOU RETARD!

Sorry, I hate retards, especially people who read this blog. yes, you are a retard! get the hell out of my page! If you ain't like you say you are then don't.

Oooh, I've just updated my Deviantart gallery with this:

I just love how 1337 I can be. Actually giving out my personal info over the interweb. Well that's life.. The hell I care if you plant my house with a bomb, or hack my accounts. You won't get anything from me turds!

I hope that tomorrow I'll get to snap a few shots in my camera. Only a SonyCybershot digicam. I sooo want one of those DSLR! ooh, and a want a DA suscription. I want an iPhone and an iTouch. An iPod would do, and I also want a PSP and a PS3, PS2 would also do. (this is my totally random wishlist.) Wanna give me one?! I wouldn't mind.

What is Wrong with Me my Friend?

2008-08-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

It's been ages since my last post, and my blog is beginning to rot. I couldn't get the drive to write for something substantial or catchy. I've been in this eternal drift wherein my creativity juice is totally depleted. It's been months, and it frustrates me a lot. I was able to write just about anything months ago. But it bothers me that I feel my whole life is crashing down, useless, boring and stagnant. Life for me has been tiring. the same old routine over and over again. It is as if my life has no meaning at all. I wasn't like this before. I had my writing life, but where is it all now? I have lost my drive to write. Ah, I really have become a frustrated writer and frustrated poet. I've used to write poems all the time, like it was something natural to do, but now I feel like it's a heavy task to handle. What's wrong with me my friend?

I've used to write long sentences, long paragraphs to the extent you'd get lazy to read all of my stuff since it's so long. I've used to write at my handy-dandy notebook and jot down everything I think of, I hear of, and feel. Where is that feeling? The feeling of not being able to write is incomplete, I have missed a part of me, or rather, something inside of me left. I have exhausted myself to the extent that I don't have any drive left leaving me bored all the time, unproductive and lazy.

What is wrong with me my friend?

Blunders and Bludgers of Love.

2008-04-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

Love for me has changed over the years. Love as I experienced it started prematurely, love for a kid is an irrational decision. So much wishes, so much plans. At the age of 16 I'm all into love. I was in love of being in love. I didn't care about other people, as long as I'm happy of being in love, I don't care what happens, come what may. I never judged the person I love, I believed every word he says, and it never did bothered me. THAT was love for me. All I ever cared for is that I'm happy. I was so selfish I didn't care what would happen. After all it was my first love, first everything (well almost). After a year I was left all alone, then I didn't accept the fact that the guy I loved the most left me for no decent reason at all. For better or for worse? That line ringed liked bullshit in my heart.

And so 6 months of depression happened to me. It was like the dark ages of my life. 6 months I have wept and wasted my life. I was high with booze. Everyday was like Nirvana, but every waking day is like a hellhole. I keep trash talking and flirting with guys I barely know, just for me to satisfy my need of "being in love". I needed a man, cause I was craving for the need of being loved. I needed a hug, I needed a kiss, and every time I did, it was him I see all the time. I imagined him. I was insane. I have to stop.

I have taken refuge in the intraweb where I have this disillusion that everyone praises me. I've attracted a lot of attention, it made me feel good. I felt that I was God, and I hold a lot of power in the intraweb. But in reality, I'm this reject that no one wants to be with. At least the intraweb became a temporal bliss. And then that's the time I started flirting with this guy I barely know. All it took was a week for us to meet in real life. I started dating him for the sake of my twisted mentality of "the feeling of being in loved". My delusion started eating me and I thought I was in love. After 4 months, we broke up, cause we barely talk to each other, and barely seen each other. It was then his friend captured my heart.

Of all the relationships I had this was the most twisted one, I really never gained anything. I was only entrapped in my own Nirvana. I poured out everything. Finally, I thought he was the one, I even said the words you're the last guy I'm going to love for the rest of my life and he too said those words to me. I was happy, all I ever care was our happiness. I believed every sweet words he said. I thought it would last forever. My world shattered when he was with another woman. All the hope and the promises.. they were broken. Depression once again ruined my life. But I knew I was growing, taking baby steps and all, but I never cried to hard. Maybe because my heart was filled with loathe and anger. All I ever want was revenge. That one year was a big regret.

Why am I telling these stuff? This is not all about the sick sad story of life I'm talking about. It's all about how I grew into knowing love. even though I still have "SOME" disillusionment left in me, I'm trying my best to change it. But in the current relationship I'm having, I did made some premature moves. Like, talking about the future, making heavy promises. (you're the one I'm going to marry, you're surely the last person I'm going to love, I love you until the end of time, etc.). But it's all said and done. It's just best leave the commitment part when you guys are truly ready for it all, not just because you're madly in love because of...
But yes, I did said those words, so now, I'm fixing/patching things up. Even if it's a struggle. I'm learning on how to be NOT dependent on the person you love. I can.. I can.. but it's harder when the other person has that mentality. I just want to grow as a person and as a lover.

YES: I love you INSPITE of.
NO: I love you BECAUSE of.

My Hate Letter

2008-02-16T07:27:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling a lot lately and I've been hiding it since I met you. Let me tell you about a girl who's name start with M and ends in I, the sugar-coated b1tch who feels like she's on top of the world. A hypocrite. You go steal off some of my friends and play with them, after you're done with them, you go on to the next thing. Live up with your reputation that you're one a-hole, a 5lutty b1tch. You're a shame to the community, you're very existence is a disgrace. You should die and rot in hell. All I wanna do is tear your insides out and fry them in in your dying state. I wanna grab your hair and pull you to the streets so that you get clobbered by a truck and eventually get crushed. I wanna stick a pen in your eyes so you go blind. I don't want you to see the light, all I want to show you is the darkness you have within your soul. I wanna choke you with a wire and I want to see you vomiting blood and your insides. I wanna dissect you with a scalpel and play with your black, black heart. I'll be your nightmare , and as long I'm alive, you'll be in living hell. I wanna sew your lips together so you'd shut the hell up. Your only place here in earth is death.

I hate you.

The Twelve Days of Stagnation

2008-02-04T07:59:00.000-08:00

Finally I'm back. Another chapter in my blog. My internet was down for twelve days. Why? Unpaid bills, and don't ask. I thought it was like the end of the world, cause the internet, IS MY WORLD. I know what you people would say, "Get a life, live a life, and stop living your fantasies in the internet. Go out, have fun, live your reality. ILLUSIONADA." Well, let me tell you people, I am living my life, I go to school, I have fun, I go to parties, I sure do make a good job in rockin' MY world. Another part of my life is the internet, and it is not just a day-dream. Seriously, you can HAVE a life in the internet. Don't give me the, "Go find a job in real life", well let me tell you, it ain't easy in my place, it's cause of the culture, (wanna know how? Leave a comment or PM me. =D)

Did you guys have ever played The Sims? 1 and 2? Notice in the release of The Sims1, the internet is not that centralized back then. What's my point? Notice the computer, all you can do is play with it or find a job. The release of The Sims2 was the rise of technology that time, so as you have noticed, the computer has more functions, you can play, find a job and CHATTING IN THE INTERNET. Thus, boosting your social bar status (Mind you, it's very hard to have a full social bar in The Sims1. People you're talking to in the line would hang up in a matter of seconds or you have to go to a neighbor if you don't have kids or a partner.). Relating it to real life, the internet is another way to communicate, it's actually filling my social bar. What do you think I'm supposed to do at home? Talk to my dog or my cat? I don't talk the people in my place, so it's very boring.

For the past twelve days, I spend a lot of my time sleeping and at school. I'd go home late so that when I get home, the only thing that I will be looking for is my bed. Spending too much time outside the house means spending more money, and that's not a good thing, especially for me. @#$%. So then I decided to open my computer and do something productive. I tried photoshopping, but I didn't have anything in mind what to do. It's like my artistic soul was sucked up because there ain't no internet. .____. BUT then I discovered there is a GBA emulator installed in my computer with some roms. What did I played? Breath of Fire2. LOL, it sure did ate my time and it was worth it, even if it's lame for others. I was playing that gamed until the internet went back up (Haven't finished it yet since th internet is distracting me ;p).

Well, that's pretty much of my rant. And ooh, I've watched some old and not so old movies I haven't watched before, "Ocean's 13", "Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End", "Nanny Diaries", "I am Legend", "National Treasure: Book of secrets." That's it.

Join Raziel's Shame Official Site

Welcoming Entry

2008-01-17T22:21:00.000-08:00

The fun has started, I've fixed my blogger and I'm to lazy to update it. Wanted to change the color scheme tho, but too lazy and can't think of any good combination. So what widgets and add-ons have I included in my secondary blog?

Adsense - Well, You'd be helping me if you click on em or digg them since this is what helps me to have my extra finances. I've only started tho, and it ain't that easy to have lots of impressions. It's frustration really. If I'd figure how to fix the donate panel, I'd put it up and dream of someone donating some to me. :p
YouTube - RSS'd my channel, funkydeath12. My mini clips and video logs. Just started, so it's still horrible. Trying to figure out how to save clips in Media Maker cause it won't work for me.
Twitter - Basically, it's a mini blog widget that can accommodate 170 characters. Mostly, you can see the "what-I'm-doing-right-now" and some of my updates. It's totally random.
My Plugoo - A super 3rd party instant messenger which is directly directed to my MSN messenger. It can receive and send instant messages via Plugoo to your IM. Live time performance.

So that's about it. But hey, I've forgot something, since this is my first blog in blogger, lemme introduce myself with the basics. My internet alias is Rara/rarachan. I name my pages/blogs JOIN RAZIEL'S SHAME. It's an anagram of my name. Well I won't give my real name out. You might see it in some of my pages, but I won't directly give my name out in here. Someone might track me down. ;p Well, I'm Asian, twas born last June 1988. Live in the Philippines. I'm not a turd or a retarded kid who goes to the internet just to open their Friendster/Myspace accounts or play an MMORPG. Actually I'm trying to build a life here. Well, the internet WAS my life, then months passed, it became my life again. I have found love and commitment in the internet, almost all of it. ALMOST. But at the moment, I'm happy with what I have now, Imagine love in the internet. Who would have thought It'd be real? To goo d to be real? Maybe, maybe not.

I'm currently pursuing the course Information technology. Planning to major in PHP/asp.net. I'm aspiring that one day I leave this country and hopefully have a nice abroad. Top 3 countries that I've been planning to go to is Canada, USA, Europe. Europe is the best place to go to. Imagine, Rome, Italy, London, Holland, Holland and Holland! :o

I'm pretty much tired of my daily routines. Sleep at 4AM, wake up at 10AM leave at 12noon to go to school, go home at 9PM, then the remaining time is for my internet time. Usually I watch anime series, update my blogs, my layouts and my profiles. Sometimes I need to break the habit. Well.. I do.. sometimes.. wasting countless hours drinking which is fun. lal I'm not an alcoholic tho, I do it for the sake of companionship. =D

I'm a terrible story teller, isn't it obvious? I stammer a lot, I'm too conscious, but have a loud-mouth. At some times I just don't give a damn, I'm the post-modern conservative type of person. :3 I love chocolates, I love coffee and chocolates. My room smells like coffee. Wanna smell? Then cmere. =D

I usually don't remember the stuff I say in my blogs, so when I read them, I'm quite embarrassed. I'm like, "OMG, I can't believe I've said that!:o" Another thing is I'm very incoherent! Sucks to be me, really.

I'm a music lover, you can see what type of music I like in my blogger's complete profile. I'm also a musician, a pianist and a bassist. *RANDOM THOUGHTS* Loving music as a music lover is not just sticking to your own preferred genre, but it's also extending your ears to other genre and appreciating them. *END OF RANDOM THOUGHTS*

So well, that's about it. There's still lot of things to say but I just can't recall them.

For more of my non-personal blog please link to: http://rarachan.xettex.net